Beer Bad

"Beer Bad"

Written by Tracey Forbes

Buffy episode #61

Last updated on February 3rd 2000

Disclaimer: This transcript was done to give the poor people that lost their WB station this fall a way to keep up with the series, not for profit and no infringement of anyone's rights was intended.

Parker holds out his hand to Buffy: "Parker, Abrams. I'm at Cresty(?) Hall."

Buffy shakes it: "Buffy, Summers. Stevenson (?)."

Giles (voice over): "Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

Buffy and Parker dancing.

Buffy and Parker kissing.

Parker (voice over): "What are you doing?"

Buffy (v/o): "Making a choice."

Buffy and Parker in Bed.

Buffy: "Parker, did I do something wrong?"

Parker: "Didn't you have fun?"

Buffy: "Is that all it was?"

Parker: "What else was it supposed to be?"

Parker laughing with his friends at the cafeteria table.

Buffy (v/o): "He is manipulative, and shallow, and why doesn't he want me?"

The gang sitting around a cafeteria table.

Xander: "Say hi to non-college guy."

Buffy: "Not that I mind, but don't non-college guys usually populate the non-campus?"

Xander in the Alpha Delta fraternity house.

Guy: "Townie, huh? (Shakes his head) Looked so normal."

Cut to Oz and Veruca walking past each other on campus. They turn to look back at each other, but keep walking.

Cut to Buffy fighting a vampire at night. The background music has a fast techno beat.

Parker crouched on the ground: "Buffy?"

Buffy turns away from the vamp to look at him: "Parker? (Vamp charges her with a growl) Stay down!"

She keeps waling on the vampire.

Parker is being dragged away by to vamps: "Buffy!"

Buffy turns and charges them, proceeds to kick the butt of all three vampires in impeccable style, then dust them in quick succession.

(Techno music stops)

Parker walks up to her hugging himself: "Buffy. I don't know what to say. After how I've treated you, now I owe you my life."

Sappy movie music plays in the background.

Buffy: "It's nothing."

Parker: "It's everything. You're everything. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get you to forgive me. (Buffy blinks at him) Do you think some day you might?"

Girl: Noooo

She giggles and we see that Buffy is really in class, day dreaming as she watches Parker flirt with the girl next to him.

Prof. Walsh: "These are the things we want - simple things. Comfort, sex, shelter, food. We always want them and we want them all the time. ID doesn't learn. ID doesn't grow up. It has the ego telling it what it can't have, and it has the super-ego telling it what it shouldn't want, (Buffy looking at Parker) but the Id works solely out of the pleasure principle. It wants. What ever social skills we've learned, how ever much we've evolved, the pleasure principle is at work in all of us. - So, how does this conflict with the ego manifest itself in the psyche? What do we do when we can't have what we want?"

Back to Buffy staking the three vamps of her daydream. She gets up from staking the last one to see Parker standing there with flowers and a tub of ice-cream with a spoon stuck in it in his hands.

Parker: "Buffy, I don't know what to say. After the way I've treated you, and now I owe you my life. (Sappy movie music plays as he offers her the ice-cream) Can you ever forgive me?"

Intro.

Cut to Buffy sitting at a table outside on campus in the sun, writing something.

Xander flicks a lighter in front of her face: "Rough day? (Buffy looks at him) Come on Buff! Be a lonely drunk! (Buffy and Willow look at each other. Xander flicks his lighter again) Rough day?"

Buffy: "Stop flicking at me."

Xander: "Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your collegy life. No more looking down on the townie. I'm the new bartender over at the pub. I got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face."

Willow: "Aren't you to young to be a bartender?"

Xander: "Au contraire, mon frere."

Buffy: "Mon frere means brother."

Xander: "Mon - girl frere. (Pulls out his driver's license) Behold."

Willow: "I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up."

Xander: "What gives it away?"

Willow: "Looking at it."

Xander looks at it: "Well, no one is gonna see it anyway. (Puts it away) Now I'm the bartender, I kick people out!"

Buffy: "There is more to it than wiping and kicking. (Xander gives her a puzzled look) Mixing drinks for instance."

Xander: "Oh, I've seen 'Cocktail'. I can do the hippy-hippy shake."

Buffy: "Well, even if I had a pretend cigarette I couldn't tell you my pretend problems. Real ones have clogged up my head space."

Xander sits down: "Ooh unload them right here, baby. (Flicks the lighter at her again) Rough day? Want to talk about it? (Buffy looks at him) Shutting up now."

Willow: "I'm pregnant by my stepbrother who'd rather be with my best friend, who's left me with no place to live, no food -except for this bottle of 'Wild Turkey', which I drunk all up.

Xander looks confused

That was me being tanked and friendless for ya."

Xander: "Gets my Oscar nod."

Buffy picks up her books: "You know what? It's class time."

Xander: "So, you're gonna come by tonight, to the pub?"

Willow: "Oz, Bronze, date.'

Buffy: "You know maybe - maybe he's just having trouble dealing. I mean, don't guys sometimes keep the girls they really, really like inside these deep, little brain fantasy bubbles, where everything is perfect? (Willow looks at her) I mean they do that, right?"

Xander: "How's the fugue state coming along?"

Willow: "Parker."

Buffy: "Maybe I'm in his bubble. And pretty soon he's going to realize that he wants more than just bubble-Buffy, and he'll pop me out and we'll go to dinner and... It could happen, right?"

Willow: "Buffy, and as my best friend, you need to stop thinking about Parker. He's no good! There are men, better men, where in the mind is stronger than the penis."

Xander in deep voice: "Nothing can defeat the penis! (Both girls look at him) Too loud, and very unseemly."

Willow: "I mean, I'm sorry to be so coarse. But I feel strongly about stinky Parker man."

Buffy: "He can be really sweet. I'm telling you, I think that he has intimacy problems because of the death of his father."

Willow: "Not interested. You got troubles, tell them to the bartender."

Xander: "That's right, because the bartender is always ready to listen."

Cut to the pub:

Xander: What? What? Okay and you had a rum and coke, and you had a poker's light. And a vodka on the rocks. And a water. Is that right?

Customer one (boy): Do I have to write it down for you. A glass of ice water. A simple request? Ice water.

Customer two (girl): a cold ale, a Canadian lager, a glass of white wine. And a daiquiri

Xander: Ice water, right. Do you want that on the rocks?

Cut to Buffy walking into the pub. She sees Parker sitting at a table with a dark haired girl. Some people move between her and the table and she side steps trying to get a clear view, bumping straight into Riley and spilling his drink all over his shirt.

Riley: "Woah!"

Buffy: "Oh, Riley, so sorry."

Riley laughs: "You know most people go around. I'm not saying you can't tunnel through me, I'm just saying the other way is quicker."

Buffy: "In my defense, you do take up a lot of space."

Riley: "I do. I'm ungainly. (He takes a sip of his drink and Buffy looks over at Parker's table) You're looking for someone?"

Buffy: "Uh... I just, ah - saw Parker over there."

Riley: "Right. Parker and his latest conquest. You know that boy should have his attention span checked."

Buffy: "He's kind of a girl chaser, huh?"

Riley: "he sets them up and knocks them down. (Buffy stares over at Parker) I guess maybe I'm old-fashioned, but my father always says if you want to be a gentlemen, you - (Sees that Buffy isn't even listening to him) don't even care what my father says."

Buffy looks back at him and blinks: "I'm sorry. What?"

Riley smiles at her: "Forget about it. I - I got some people waiting. I see you in class, right?"

Riley walks off and Buffy looks to see Parker kissing the other girl.

Cut to Xander. He sees a blond sitting at the bar talking to her friend and flicks his lighter at her: "Rough day?"

Paula turns around and smiles: "Nay, it's been super. WE accepted Melody's pledge and made her an official sister of Beta-Delta-Gamma, and our pins arrived today. I designed them myself."

Xander: "You are so sharp."

Paula giggles.

Big blonde guy leans on the bar next to her: "Hey Paula, you keeping this fine bartender from his duty. A man's got to make a living."

Xander: "It's alright."

Blonde guy leans into Paula: "So the guys and I are about to celebrate..."

Xander: "I - I - I said it was alright. I'm due for a break."

Blond guy turns and leans on the bar: "Oh! So, what were you discussing? Maybe we can all join."

Paula hits him on the arm: "Be nice."

Blond guy: "What?"

Xander: "Ah, forget it."

Blond guy: "No, no, no, I rudely interrupted, and it sounded like the two of you were having quite a meeting of the minds. Possibly discussing the geo-political ramifications of bio-engineering? You have a take on that?"

Xander after a beat: "I've got beer. - You want some beer?"

Blond guy smirks: "Yeah. A pitcher of Black Frost. (Xander fills a pitcher) See, I think we have a perfect venue here for conducting a little sociometry. A bipolar continuum of attraction and rejection. Now given your socio-economic statuses, I foresee a 'B' rejects 'A' dyad. (Both Paula and Xander look at him confused) I'm sorry, let me clarify. (Leans in closer to Xander) You see, we are the future of this country and you keep the bowl of peanuts full. We are what these girls want and, ah (Pulls out some money) four glasses."

Xander sets the pitcher on the bar: "How's about I see some ID? Because you're not getting a drop until I'm satisfied that..."

Bar owner walking by: "Just give him a beer."

Blond guy pulls the pitcher over to him while Xander sets four glasses on the bar and walks off.

Blond guy: "Thanks."

Xander sees Buffy sitting at the bar looking blue.

Xander: "Buffy? (Goes over to her) Rough day? (Buffy nods) Wanna tell my about it?"

Buffy: "It's just - Parker's problem with intimacy turned out to be that he can't get enough of it. And I know it. I knew what he was. If he were tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent, it wouldn't really be like I killed him, really."

Xander: "Buffy."

Buffy: "I'm a slut."

Xander: "No."

Buffy: "Idiot."

Xander: "No! You got to stop being so hard on your..."

Bar-owner sees Xander talking to Buffy: "Hey!"

Xander to owner: "Sorry. So sorry."

Buffy: "I'm better. This has helped."

Xander turns to go back to work: "Do not go anywhere."

Buffy picks up her purse and turns to go only to run into a guy carrying some beer-glasses, making him spill some.

Buffy: "Ooh, I'm so sorry. I seem to be bumping into people today."

Boy: "I can't imagine anybody minding. You... You're not thinking about leaving, are you? Because we have a very strict policy against you leaving, at least until you've had a drink."

The blond guy form the bar puts an arm on the other guys shoulder: 'Yeah. What my friend is just saying is that you shouldn't be sad and alone right now. I mean, you're a very beautiful girl, you should be covered with men. (Two more guys come up behind the blond guy as he holds up a hand) and can we be those men?"

Third guy offers her a glass of beer: "It's on us."

Buffy sees Parker leaving with his girl and accepts the glass with a forced smile.

Cut to the Bronze. Oz is carrying two drinks, sees Willow and walks over to her.

Oz: "Hey, you've got table."

Willow: "I had to kill a man."

Oz: "It's a really good table."

Willow: "I copied out my notes for psych since you were so elsewhere this morning."

Oz: "Thanks."

Willow: "It's really pretty simple stuff, you know, just (Sees that Oz is distracted) What's the matter?

Oz: "I don't know, I feel a little... It's nothing."

They look at the stage as the lead singer walks out and begins to sing. It's the girl Oz noticed the other night while walking on campus. She keeps looking at Oz while she is singing.

Willow notices them looking at each other: "WE could go back to your place. I could make you soup."

Oz pulls his eyes away from the lead singer: "No that's okay. I'm fine."

Willow watches them looking at each other: "Do you know her?"

Oz: "Veruca? No. I know their drummer, he is cool. But I've never heard them play."

Willow looks unhappy as Oz keeps watching the singer.

Cut to almost empty bar. Buffy and the four boys are sitting around a table still drinking beer and eating peanuts.

Boys as Buffy drains her glass: "Chug, chug, chug, chug."

Blond guy: "The thing that the modern day pundits fail to realize, is that all the socio-economic and psychological problems inherent in modern society can be solved - by the judicious application of way too much beer!"

The boys mutter their agreement.

Buffy: "My mother always said, beer is evil."

Blond guy: "Evil - good - these are absolutes that predate the fermentation of malt and fine hops. See - wait, where was I?"

Buffy: "I'm really not sure."

3.Guy: "Well, Thomas Aquinas..."

2.Guy: "No, there'll be no Thomas Aquinas at this table."

4.guy: "Keep your theology providence to yourself, fat boy."

3.Guy: "I'm just drawing a parallel between..."

Blond guy: "Beer! Had the earliest morality developed under the influence of beer, there would be no good or evil. There would be - kinda nice, and - pretty cool (Xander watches them from behind the bar as he fills another glass) everything would be different."

Buffy: "You guys really love to hear yourselves speak, don't you?"

Blond guy: "Alright we're losing her."

2.Guy: "Say something interesting."

4.Guy as he refills Buffy's glass: "Well, tell us about yourself."

Blond guy: "Yeah, what do you like?"

Buffy: "Well, - (accepts her full glass) I don't hate this for a start."

The boys clink their glasses: "Yep."

Cut to Willow walking into their dorm room the next day.

Willow in nasal voice: "My name is Veruca. I'm in a band. (deep voice) Oh, I'm Oz. I'm in a band, too. Oh, and this is Willow. (high nasal voice) Oh, how fun. A groupie! (In her own voice as she slams her towel on the table) Groupie! (To Buffy) Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like and albatross."

Buffy: "TV is a good thing. (Willow looks over to see Buffy with her nose right in front of the TV still wearing her PJs) Bright colors, music, tiny little people."

Willow: "What have you done with Buffy?"

Buffy: "I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of - badness."

Willow: "You didn't, not with Parker again."

Buffy: "No, with four really smart guys."

Willow: "Four? Oh... ow... Oh, Buffy, are you okay? I - do you want to talk about it?"

Buffy: "I went to see Xander - then I saw Parker - then came... beer."

Willow: "And then group sex?"

Buffy bursts out laughing and punches Willow lightly: "Gutter face! No! Just lots and lots of beer. It's nice. Foamy... Comforting. It's... beer."

Willow: "Drowning your troubles over Parker - mind-frying man! He deserves a slow and torturous death by - spider bites. (Turns away) Well, for today we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class."

Buffy carefully gets up from the chair in front of the TV: "Okay."

Willow stops her before she walks out the door: "Uh, but getting dressed - would be fun, too."

Buffy looks down at her PJs and grunts.

Cut to psych class.

Walsh: "Next class we'll be moving on to personality types and disorders. You who have done the reading you already know (Buffy raises her arm) Yes?"

Buffy points at Willow: "She read the - reading."

Class chuckles.

Walsh: "Well, then she'll have some time on her hands. As I was saying, we won't be able to cover it all in class, that doesn't mean it isn't worth knowing (Buffy sees a girl in front of her bite into a pita sandwich and licks her lips) and it doesn't mean it won't be on the midterm. Now, if I've been unclear in anyway..."

Buffy reaches out and grabs the sandwich and starts to stuff it in her own mouth.

Willow shocked: "Buffy! Are you okay?"

Prof. Walsh: Good. Now before you go. Make sure you get the complete worksheet from the TA. Based on that do (?) and hand them to me at the start of the class on Monday.

Buffy: "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

Cut to the glass coils of a distillery set. The camera pans around it and we see the endresult dripping into a keg of Black Frost Beer.

Cut Buffy leaning on the table watching her beer glass getting refilled.

Buffy with a goofy smile: "Beer is good. (Lifts her hand when the glass is about 2/3 full) Good enough!"

Blond Guy: "No more? But's good."

Buffy picks up her glass: "Yeah. Foamy."

2.Guy: "You should come to our class in big thinking. 's good!"

Cut to Xander staring fixedly at Buffy and the guys drinking at the table while absentmindedly polishing a spot on the bar.

Girl at the bar: "Boy, I'm having the worst day! (To Xander) Do you have a light?"

Xander holds up a coaster with a no smoking symbol on it never taking his eyes off Buffy.

Blond guy hits the table: "I like girls!"

Buffy pushes him: "You stupid."

Blond Guy tries to grab her: "No, you stupid!"

3.Guy laying on the table half asleep: "No, you stupid."

Buffy sniffs in the Blond guy's direction: "Smelly head!"

3.Guy laughs and Blond guy pushes him. 3.Guy's chair tips over and he lands on the floor. Laughter around the table. Xander narrows his eyes, still staring and polishing the same spot.

Cut to Willow leaving her dorm room.

Oz comes up: "Willow. Hey. (Willow does not look very happy to see him) I tried calling you."

Willow: "Yeah, I've been at the library. How are you feeling?"

Oz: "What do you mean?"

Willow: "Well, you weren't in class - again."

Oz: "Yeah, Band was practicing. Hey, Shy is playing again tonight."

Willow: "Shy?"

Oz: "Yeah, Veruca's band. They asked me to sit in with them. It'd be kind of cool if you where there."

Willow: "Two Veruca shows in two nights? Are you sure you want to share your groupie? I think I'm just gonna study, because of the fun!"

Oz: "Hmm, yeah, I guess I could see how it would be dull for you."

They look at each other silent for a few moments then Willow turns to go with a "See ya!"

Oz looks after her with a slight frown: "Yeah."

Cut to Buffy and her buds slumped around their table.

Blond guy: "You stupid."

Roy: "No - you stupid."

Buffy: "No, you!"

Drunken laughter. Xander shakes his head and walks over to the jukebox and starts to play a song.

Buffy gets up and runs over to the jukebox. Looks at Xander then hits the jukebox and laughs.

Buffy: "It sings. (She climbs up on it like a cat) Like it."

Xander puts a hand on her shoulder: "It's time to go home, Buffy."

Buffy: "Want more singing. (Slaps her hand down on the Jukebox) Want more Beer!"

Xander: "No, I've cut you off."

Buffy after a beat: "Did it hurt?"

Xander grabs her around the waist and lifts her off the jukebox: "Out you go."

Buffy straining towards the table: "Want beer. Like beer. Beer good."

Xander leading her towards the exit: "Beer bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying? Buffy, go home - and go to bed."

Buffy slaps him on the arm: "Say bye."

Xander: "Bye.'

Buffy stares at him for a moment then turns to leave: "Bye."

Xander lets out a deep breath and looks back at the four guys at the table. Blond guy notices that Buffy is gone.

Blond guy slaps the back of his hand on the table: "Where girl go?"

Cut to Willow walking down some stairs into what looks like a deserted basement hangout. Parker is there and Willow walks over to stand next to his table with her arms crossed.

Parker: "Uh, did you want something?"

Willow: "Yes. I want to give you a piece of my mind. I'm tired of you men and - your man-ness. Buffy is really hurting right now. In fact she's in need of a big mental tidy. - Parker, how could you do this to her?"

Parker sighs: "I don't get what you mean. What did I do?"

Willow unfolds her arms: "She shared something very intimate with you. And you act like it's nothing more but a bag of - some kind of snack food!"

Parker: "Willow, I'm not sure I need to explain my actions here. But if that's what you want..."

Willow: "Yes! Followed by an admission of undeniable guilt. But go on."

Willow sits down across from Parker and folds her hands together on the table taking a deep breath.

Parker: "Some relationships center on a deep emotional tie, or a loyal friendship or something. But most are just two people passing through life enriching or aggravating each other's lives briefly."

Willow: "Go on."

Parker: "Just for one night, can't two people who feel an attraction come together and create something wonderful? And then go back to their lives the next day never over analyzing it or wanting it to be more than it was? (Looks Willow deeply in the eye) I have. She should, too."

Willow frowns and looks down: "People like Buffy - - and me - - assume that intimacy means friendship and respect. People shouldn't have to ask first 'So, are you going to be eyeing other prospects tomorrow?'"

Parker: "People shouldn't have to preface casual sex with: 'Just so you know, I'm never growing any older with you.' (Willow just looks at him) It takes the fire out of it."

Willow grumpily: "Maybe."

Parker: Willow... I don't regret what happened - or what we did. But I am sorry that Buffy's hurting and if I misled her, I'm sorry for that, too. I didn't mean to. - I'm impressed that you care so much about her. - You're a good friend."

Cut to the four guys around the beer table. They are grunting and generally be trying to imitate apes. Roy is having trouble pulling his shirt over his head.

Xander: "All right, time to pay up and go home, guys."

Blond guy heads off towards the bathroom while 2.guy pulls out some money and stares at it then just throws the whole bundle on the table.

Xander picks up the twenties: "Lets see, I'll take this one - and this one and... You know I've always had a problem calculating the tip and you guys being so dapper of brain, maybe you could help me out. (They all just stare at him) Okay, great. See, if your bill comes to 38 Dollars, and generally people tip what? Approximately 30%? That makes your tip what? (They all stare at him with slightly glazed expressions then Roy pushes all the money on the table towards Xander) You are so smart. (Picks up the money as one of the guys throws some peanuts at him) This is *so* the right amount. (Big crash is heard) Someone didn't have their fiber today. (Another big crash and Xander turns towards the bathroom door) Hey, you alright in there? - Buddy?"

Blond guy crashes through (literally) the door screaming and looking like a Neanderthal and knocks Xander to the floor.

Cut to the Blond Neanderthal grunting and sniffing the unconscious

Xander. He screams and Xander's eyes pop open.

Roy and the guys are backing away staring in horror: "Oh, God!" - "Let's get out of here!"

Xander screams and the Blond Neanderthal screams back then straightens up, pushes his chest out and roars. The other four guys are contorting and groaning as their muscles and foreheads bulge out and they grow hairy.

Xander jumps up: "Hey, easy, we're cool. (The four Neanderthals come after him scattering chair and tables in their way) Oh God! (Xander digs his hand into his pocket) Help!"

Xander pulls out his lighter and flicks it at them and they fall back with agitated whoops.

Blond Neanderthal: "Fire bad. - Fire pretty!"

Xander: "Fire angry!"

The four guys whoop and yelp as they retreat out the door. Xander quickly closes it and runs into the back room.

Xander: "Jack! Jack! We've got a problem. The guys they - they're (Swallows) Some of your patrons are turning into cave men."

Jack: "They had it coming."

Cut to the four guys running down the street whooping and behaving like demented apes. One of them laughs as the blond Neanderthal falls out of a tree. Blondie breaks off a branch off a dead tree and hits the other guy over the head.

Cut to Jack and Xander at the bar.

Jack: "I've been taking abuse from snot-nosed kids for 20 years. I mean, they're always coming in here with their snotty attitudes, drinking their fruity little microbrews, spouting out some philosophy like it means a damn thing, thinking they're different from us."

Xander: "They are now!"

Jack: "They ain't! That's the great thing about beer. It makes all men the same."

Xander: "Why are we talking about beer? The guys are... (Jack looks at him with a grin) The beer."

Jack nods grinning: "Neat, huh? My brother-in-law is a Warlock, he showed me how to..."

Xander: "No! No neat. I served them that beer. ( Walks past Jack) I served *Buffy* that beer! (Turns back) Ah, how much beer would you say a person would need to consume before they seriously start questing for fire?"

Jack: "Relax. It'll wear off in a day or so."

Xander leaving: "In a day or so, someone could get killed."

Jack wipes at the bar.

Xander pops his head back in through door: "You're a bad, bad man!"

Cut to the four cave-boys cavorting along a sidewalk. A car drives by and one of them stares amazed while the others continue digging through a trashcan. He steps into the street The first car honks and swerves around him but the next one hits him catapulting him down the street. The other cave-boys hurry over as the driver gets out.

Driver: "I didn't see him! Is he okay?"

The driver turns and runs as he gets a closer look. The cave-boys start to beat up the offending car with their sticks. Blondie smells two girls walking by. The see him and run, screaming, the cave-boys ambling after them in pursuit, leaving their hurt comrade laying helpless in the street.

Cut to Xander and Giles walking down Buffy's dorm hallway.

Xander: "Well, I cut her off before the others, so I don't think she had as much to drink."

Giles: "I can't believe you served Buffy that beer."

Xander: "I didn't know it was evil!"

Giles: "You knew it was beer!"

Xander: "Well, excuse me Mr. I spent the sixties in a electric kool-aid funky Satan groove!"

Giles: "It was the early seventies and you should know better."

Xander: "I'm not the dad of her. Buffy is a grown-up now (Enter her room) intelligent enough to..."

They stare in disbelief at Buffy who is drawing cavemen-like paintings on the wall with lipstick.

Cave-Buffy hits the big stick figure in the middle: "Parker bad!"

Cut to Willow and Parker sitting in some stuffed chairs, talking.

Parker: "I don't mean this in a bragging way, but - I do get to know a lot of women."

Willow: "Well, getting to know people is good."

Parker: "But I haven't found 'the one' yet. I've yet to find a girl that I can just - you know, sit with, feeling totally at ease, spewing what ever is on my mind, or even sit with comfortably in silence. (Willow smile on her face) Willow - can I tell you something kind of private?"

Willow: "Okay. I mean, I feel you've shown me a perspective I hadn't really thought of before. What is it you wanted to tell me?"

Parker puts a hand on her arm: "Just - I've enjoyed talking with you. Here. Tonight."

Willow with a smile: "Me too. I mean, with you. You know I'm - I'm wondering something... about you."

Parker with a smile: "What?"

Willow with a grin: "Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean with your gentle eyes (Parker pulls his hand back) and your shy smile, and your ability to talk openly only to me! You're unbelievable!"

Parker laughs: "What?"

Willow: "this isn't sharing, this isn't connecting, this is the pleasure principle. (Parker leans back and looks away as willow gets up) That's right, I got your number, ID boy! The only thing you're thinking about is how long until you can jump on my bones."

Parker: "Look, if you think that I'm..."

Willow: "I mean, you men! It's all about the sex. Find a woman, drag her to your den, do whatever is necessary, just as long as you get the sex. I tell you, men haven't changed since the dawn of time!" The door breaks open and our three cave-boys come down the stairs dragging the two girls.

Willow: "See?"

Blondie runs down and hits first Willow then Parker over the head with his stick, knocking them out.

Cut to Giles and Xander looking at Cave-Buffy crouching on her desk chair and spinning it around.

Giles: "Fascinating, really."

Buffy falls off her chair onto the floor then pushes it angrily across the room. She hops up to the TV next.

Buffy patting the black screen: "Want people. Where people go?"

Giles leans in close to her: "The TV - is off."

Buffy: "Want! Want people!"

Giles straightens up and turns to Xander: "Well, she doesn't appear to be in any immediate danger. Maybe you should stay with her."

Cave-Buffy walks up to Xander: "Boy smell nice."

Giles: "Or perhaps she should be left alone."

Xander as Buffy sniffs him: "Yeah, I think we need to track down the fun boys somewhat pronto. Jack said the effects of the beer would wear off..."

Buffy: "Beer? - Buffy want beer."

Giles: "You can't have beer."

Buffy slowly turns to stare at him: "Want - beer!"

Xander: "Giles, don't make Cave-Slayer unhappy."

Buffy grunts and makes a hitting motion: "Buffy strong."

Giles: "Yes, Buffy strong."

Buffy: "Buffy get beer."

Giles: "Buffy get..."

Buffy punches Giles, pushes Xander back, and runs out the room.

Xander: "Giles!"

Giles from the floor: "I'm fine. Just get her!"

Xander runs out into the hallway but there is no sign of her.

Xander: "Which way?"

Giles stumbling out of the room holding his head: "Check down there. We have to find her before someone gets hurt."

Cut to Willow laying unconscious on the floor. The cave-boys have built a small fire out of broken chairs. A Frat boy walks in and

Blondie hoots and chases him out.

Cave Roy crouched next to Willow: "Woman. (Hits his chest) Man!"

Blondie yells: "Woman!"

All three of them start dancing around, waving their sticks in the air. One of the burning chair pieces tips over and sets a chair next to the wall on fire.

Cut to one of the cave-boys banging his hand against the glass case holding the donuts. He turns around and recoils as he sees the fire, now burning out of control, cutting off their way up the stairs.

Cut to Xander running around Campus: "Buffy! Buffy? (Sees her) Aha! Can't find the beer. Good. Freshman girl not able to hold the beer. Shouldn't have it. Get into trouble. (Puts a hand on Buffy's arm and she bats it away jumping back) Hey, hey, we're good. Remember the boy? (Offers her his arm) Boy smell nice, yeah? - Is there any part of Buffy still in there? (Buffy starts to sniff the air. Xander looks and sees the smoke from the cave-boy fire) Oh, no."

Buffy: "Fire Bad!"

Cut to the cave-boys feeling along the walls for a way out. One of them pulls the still unconscious Willow away from the fire and over to where the other two girls are crouching.

Buffy walks down the stairs and stops in front of the wall of fire at the bottom of it. She touches the fire. Pulls her hand back and sticks her finger in her mouth. She sees a fire-extinguisher and takes it off the wall. Unfortunately she doesn't remember what she's supposed to do with it. She shakes it a couple times then throws it into the fire. She spots Willow and taking a running jump dives over the fire.

Cut to Xander running down the stairs: "Buffy!" No answer and he can't see through the smoke and fire so he runs back outside. Xander coughing: "Where the hell is Giles?"

Cut to Giles talking to a college kid.

Giles: "Blond, uhm, about this tall? She walks with ah, sort of a sideways limp."

Cut to Buffy looking at the fire: "Bad - bad."

Her eyes narrow as she sees a window up under the ceiling. She jumps up and hand-walks along the pipes towards the wall. Hook her legs over a pipe running perpendicular to the wall, lets go with her hands and swings around and knocks the window out. Then jumps back to the floor and crouches next to Willow.

The cave-boys spot the way out and push a bookshelf over to act as a ladder. They climb up and out, followed by the two girls. Buffy slings Willow over her shoulder.

Cut to Xander helping the girls through the window from outside. Xander as one of the cave-boys gets up from where they are huddled together: "Stay!" The cave boy crouches back down and Xander pulls Willow through the window.

Xander: "Are you all right?"

Willow: "Buffy is still in there!"

Cut to Buffy dropping back down from the window. She spots one of the cave-boy sticks and picks it up. Parker wakes up coughing.

Parker sees the fire: "Oh God. Oh God. Help me! I can't breathe. I can't breathe. (Buffy walks up to him stick in hand) Oh God, Buffy, what do we do?"

Buffy donks him on the head and he drops back to the floor unconscious. Buffy looks at him for a moment then pulls him by his arm.

Cut to Giles standing outside while firefighters walk all around him.

Willow is sitting on a bench with Buffy crouched over her.

Xander: "Did you girls have enough fun for one night?"

Willow: "Yes, please."

Buffy: "Buffy tired."

Xander: "And was there a lesson in all this, huh? What did we learn about beer?"

Buffy: "Foamy!"

Xander: "Good! Just as long as that is clear. Anyways I think the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This should give them some time to ponder the geo-physical effects of being mean to me."

Buffy goes over and pats against the window of the van, looking at the three cave-boys whooping and jumping around inside.

Giles: "Who's van is that?"

Xander sits down next to Willow: "I don't know. It wasn't locked."

Parker walks up to Buffy as she leans her face against the window of the van.

Parker: "Buffy. (Buffy turns around giving him a grumpy look) Buffy, I - I don't know how to say this. I'm sorry for how I treated you before. It was wrong of me and (Swallows) - I'm sorry. You were great tonight, really. I may not deserve this, but... Do you think you could forgive me?"

Buffy looks at him for a minute then donks him on the head again with her stick, dropping him instantly.

Willow Giles and Xander walk up to her. All of them look down at Parker, Willow with a satisfied smile, then they turn to walk away. Buffy tries to walk back towards the van with the cave-boys, but Xander puts an arm around her and she lets him lead her after the others.

{Fear Itself} {Wild at Heart} {The Series 4 Index} {The Index}