Bad Eggs
~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~
In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
Sunnydale Mall. The low camera angle shows the legs of the people walking past the shops on the ground floor. The camera pans up past a cowboy and his girlfriend to the second floor and over the railing where Buffy and her mother are walking along. Joyce has a shopping bag in each hand, and Buffy has on a small backpack.
Buffy: Come on, Mom, please?
Joyce: I'm sorry, honey.
Buffy: Don't you understand how important this is?
Joyce: It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.
Buffy: But I looked good in it.
Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker.
Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. (gets a look from her mom) That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?
Joyce: You're just too young to wear that.
Buffy: Yeah, and I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it.
Joyce: That's the idea. (stops and looks around) The stores are closing, and I still need to order the flyers for the opening. (considers, then puts both bags in one hand) Okay. I'll go to the printers and then get our food, (pulls out a slip of paper) you go to the tailor and pick up my outfit from Everyday Woman. (hands Buffy the slip of paper)
Buffy: (looks at the paper) Everyday Woman?
Joyce: Mm hm. There's the receipt.
Buffy: Why didn't you just go to Moo-Moos R Us?
Joyce: Do now, make fun of your mother later. (walks off)
Buffy reluctantly starts for the tailors. Cut to the escalators. Buffy gets on to go to the ground floor. She looks around idly as she descends. She sees the cowboy and his girlfriend come up the other escalator. She keeps looking around, and then notices that the cowboy's reflection is missing from the mirrors that line the escalator corridor. She looks back at the couple, and he is indeed there. Immediately she turns and runs back up the escalator, weaving between the people coming down on it behind her. Cut to the walkway. The cowboy and the girl go around a corner. Buffy walks quickly to catch up. Cut to a back hallway. Buffy slowly walks past a bank of payphones by the restrooms and looks around for them, apparently having lost them. She continues down the hall and hears a pinball machine. Reaching the rear door of the arcade she sees that the metal gate has been bent and forced open. She quietly squeezes by the gate and goes in. The place is deserted and quiet except for the sound of the one machine. She walks around one side of a bank of game machines while the camera pans along the other.
Girl: Wait a sec. This is my high score.
The camera reaches them. The girl is hammering away at the flipper controls. The cowboy takes off his hat and comes up behind the girl. He takes her hair and sweeps it away from her neck. He's vamped out.
He moves in for the bite, but is interrupted by Buffy.
Buffy: Boy, you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you?
The two of them look over at Buffy, annoyed.
Buffy: (stares down the vampire) But you promised you'd never cheat on me again, honey.
Girl: (pulls her bag onto her arm) Um, I better go.
Lyle: But I ain't done yet.
She turns to look at him and gasps in fear when she sees his face. She runs from the arcade. The vampire looks back at Buffy.
He throws a punch at Buffy, but she blocks it and punches him in the face and the crotch. He grabs his groin, and Buffy shoves him into another pinball machine. He looks up at her and gives her an evil smile.
He comes at her again with a swing, which she readily blocks it. He swings again, and she ducks the blow. He grabs her by the arms and throws her into a pinball machine. The plate glass on the top and back panel shatter as she lands on it hard. The cowboy rushes over and grabs her by the straps of her backpack.
Buffy gets her leg between them and kicks him off of her. He staggers into another machine.
Buffy: Pleasure's mine!
She leaps off of the machine at him, and he ducks and rolls out of the way. She spins around to face him and has a stake in her hand, up and ready. Lyle rolls up to his feet, grabbing his hat in midair along the way, and puts it back on. He points at her.
Buffy: Oh, sure. They *say* they'll call.
Cut to the food court. Buffy comes walking in and spots her mom at a table with their food, waiting for her. Joyce stares at the food, looking bored and watching it get cold. She looks up as Buffy arrives.
Buffy: Oh, bliss. (sits) Mall food. (looks up)
Joyce: Buffy?
Buffy: (attentive) Mom?
Joyce: Where's my dress?
Buffy: (confused) Your dr...? Oh. (winces) Oh, God.
Joyce: Let me guess: you were distracted by a boy.
Buffy: (cringes) Technically.
Joyce: (leans back) Buffy...
Buffy: (exhales) Look, I-I can go get it right now.
Joyce: They're closed. I'll just have to fit it in tomorrow.
Buffy: Sorry.
Joyce: (sternly) A little responsibility is all I ask. Honestly, don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?
Buffy: Saving the world from vampires?
Joyce: (crosses her arms and shakes her head) I swear, sometimes I don't know what goes on in your head.
Buffy just looks back at her. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays.
The utility closet at Sunnydale High. The light is off. Xander and Cordelia are sucking some serious face.
Xander: Shhh-sh-sh. (continues kissing)
Cordelia: It's just that (kiss) I'm worried we're gonna miss class. (continues kissing)
He reaches up for the light string and yanks it to turn it on. They step back a bit from each other.
Cordelia: Well, it'd work a lot better for me with the lights off.
She grabs the string and yanks it. She puts her arms around him again and starts to kiss him, but Xander doesn't kiss back. He yanks the string again and the light comes back on. They step away from each other again.
Cordelia: No, it's not that I can't, it's just more... I don't want to.
Xander: That's great! That's just dandy! We're repulsed by each other, we, (indicates the door) we hide from our friends...
Cordelia: Well, I should hope so! Please!
Xander: (nods) All in all this is not what I'd call a big self-esteem booster.
Cordelia: Tell me about it! (looks him over) Just look at you! And those clothes. Where did you get those shoes?!
Xander: Okay, you know what? I don't need this.
Cordelia: Ditto! Like a hole in the head!
They both reach for the doorknob, and their hands meet there. They hesitate a moment, and then wrap their arms around each other again and kiss even more passionately. Xander cradles her head in his hand as they slowly sink to the floor. He reaches up for the string and gives it a good yank. Cut to teen health class. The instructor is writing 'SEX' on the board.
The sex drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings.
Willow gives him a concerned look.
Several students giggle. Xander lowers his hand.
Cordelia looks away from him and stares down at her book.
Willow is clearly nervous, and looks back and forth between Xander and giving her attention to the teacher.
Cordelia raises her hand, and Mr. Whitmore indicates to her, giving her the floor.
Mr. Whitmore: (interrupts) Yeah, I, I was thinking of something a little more commonplace, Ms. Chase.
Xander raises his hand, and Mr. Whitmore indicates to him. Willow stares at him.
Cordelia immediately raises her hand again. Mr. Whitmore exhales and gives her permission to speak again.
Willow looks back and forth between the two of them, very confused. The exchange begins to draw muffled comments from among the other students.
Cordelia is incensed.
Cordelia raises her hand again.
Willow raises her hand. He indicates that she should speak.
Mr. Whitmore: Thank you, Ms. Rosenberg! (Willow smiles smugly) Among teens unwanted pregnancy is the number one negative consequence of sexual activity. So, as discussed last week, I present you with... (takes a sheet off of two trays of eggs) ...your offspring. (Willow smiles) You will split into parenting teams. You and your partner will share equally in the daily task of raising (indicates the trays) your egg. (takes a tray to distribute) Now, please choose a partner and come pick up your children.
Willow waves at Xander, but he ignores her and gets up to go over to Cordelia. She sees him coming and immediately grabs the shirtsleeve of the boy sitting across from her to get his attention.
Xander is disappointed. He sees another girl walk up to the second tray of eggs still on the teacher's desk and approaches her.
The girl giggles and smiles and turns around to walk away. Xander gives Cordelia another glance, then follows the other girl. Cut to the library. Buffy walks over to the card catalog, pulls out a drawer and begins going through the cards. Giles is in the cage behind her. Xander opens the door for Willow and they come on.
Buffy: Vampire issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander: I think the word you're searching for is 'absent'.
Willow: Tardy people show.
Buffy: Right.
Willow: And, yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. (hands her an egg)
Buffy: (rolls the egg around in her hands) As far as punishments go this is fairly abstract.
Willow: No, it's your baby! (smiles)
Buffy: (confused) Okay, I get it even less.
Xander: Well, you know, it's the whole 'sex leads to responsibility' thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: (looks at Xander) My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that Dreidel song.
Willow smiles at that.
Buffy: I can't do this! I can't take care of things! I killed my Giga Pet. Literally, I sat on it and it broke.
She sets the egg down on top of the catalog, moans and quickly walks over to a book re-shelving cart.
Xander: Yeah, the only thing that stresses me is when do we tell them that they're adopted?
Buffy: I'll just lay that one off on my partner. (looks up, worried) Who'd I get?
Willow: Well, there were an uneven number of students, and you didn't show, so...
Buffy: (in shocked disbelief) I'm a single mother?
Xander: (nods) No man of her own.
Buffy: Do you know what this says about me? That I am doomed to lead my mother's life! (paces back to them) How deeply scary is that?
Xander: How 'bout this: it says nothing, it means nothing, this whole egg experiment thing is completely pointless!
Giles: (in the cage) Success! (comes out with a book) At last. Your playmate is a fellow of repute, it seems.
He moves to set the book on top of Buffy's egg. She inhales in fright and quickly snatches it away. Willow and Xander look on in wide-eyed surprise. Giles points out a picture in the book.
Buffy: Friendly little demons.
Giles: That was before they became vampires.
She raises her eyebrows at Giles. Willow and Xander exchange a look.
Xander: 'Nuff said! I propose Buffy slays 'em. All in favor? (raises his hand)
Willow: (raises her hand) Aye!
Giles: I-I don't think you should underestimate them. I mean, y-you may need to have some help if, if, if, if... (notices the eggs) Why do you all have eggs?
Willow: (smiles) Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.
Giles: (still confused) Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.
Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in *that* scenario.
Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up!
Cut to the park. Angel and Buffy are locked in a passionate kiss. Buffy breaks off.
Buffy: I really...
Angel: I know.
They continue kissing. After a few seconds Buffy breaks off again.
Buffy: You know, this isn't hunting in the classical sense. We should...
Angel: You're right.
They kiss some more. A few moments later they break off again.
Buffy: Okay. (kiss) Okay.
They walk side by side for a few paces.
Buffy: You see anything?
Angel: No.
Buffy: Okay. (faces him) Enough hunting.
They begin their passionate kissing with renewed vigor. The camera pans away from them over to a wall among the trees. The Gorch brothers are crouched on top, watching them.
Lyle: Yep.
Tector: Ain't that Angelus with her?
Lyle: Yep.
Tector: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush?
Lyle: Well, I don't know, Tector. And how come you's always askin' me so many stupid questions?
Tector: So, you wanna take him, or, uh, you want me to, Lyle?
Lyle: I say we leave it. Wait 'til she's alone.
Tector: Why? You scared?
Lyle: Nope. I could whip 'em both right now if I wanted to.
Tector: Then why don't ya?
Lyle: (looks at Tector) 'Cause I got me a plan. I'm the one that does the thinkin', 'member?
Tector: Yeah. You do the thinkin', Lyle. That is definitely your department. So why don't you tell me again why we can't kill 'em now?
Fade to black. Cut to Buffy's room. She walks in and over to her bed.
Buffy: Okay, little egg dude. (sits and opens her egg diary) Let's see. (reads) Feeding? Check. (marks) Burping? Eeeew... Check (marks) Diapers (looks at the egg's basket) Sort of, in theory, I guess. (marks)
She puts the pen in the binder coil.
Buffy: Okay.
She sets the notepad down and crawls under the covers. She yawns and looks at her egg in its basket on her nightstand.
Buffy: Good night, Eggbert.
She taps her egg gently and then reaches up to turn off the light. She pulls up the covers and settles in to sleep. Cut outside the house later that night. Cut to Buffy's room. The camera pans across her stuffed animals arranged on one side of her bed, past her and over to the egg. The clock reads 2:03am. The egg is rocking back and forth. The camera closes in on it. A small hole has almost been chipped out. The plug breaks open, and a long, thin tentacle begins to make its way out. It angles over towards Buffy and branches out into several fingers as it makes its way over to her.
Buffy's room at night. The tentacle continues over to Buffy. One of its fingers goes into her ear. Another one lays itself across her left eye. A third one covers her right eye. Another goes around her neck and presumably into her other ear. Cut to a view of her with the egg in the foreground. The tentacles are now just lying on her face. The focus of the camera goes off of Buffy and onto the egg in its basket. Cut to the sewers the next morning. The Gorch brothers are relaxing and waiting out the sunlight that is visible at the end of the tunnel. Tector is having breakfast. Lyle is lying back with his feet up and has his face covered with his hat.
Lyle: 'Cause we got to keep a low profile 'til we get this Slayer business taken care of.
Tector: Well, how come Angelus is gettin' all cuddly with her, Lyle? I mean, does the man have no code?
Lyle: (stirs) Tector... (leans up on his elbow) You gonna be pesterin' me with these questions all damn day?
Tector: I just don't like it here. Ain't a decent whore in the whole city limits.
Lyle: So, this is the thanks I get? (stands up) Well. Don't I take care of ya? Didn't I near raise ya myself? Hmm? Burden that you were, maybe I shoulda left you on that doorstep when Momma blew town.
Tector: Don't say that, Lyle.
Lyle: Now I'm takin' care of this.
Tector: You afraid of the girl?
Lyle: I'm just playin' it safe. We're just gonna follow her around a little while, find our time. 'Cause this ain't over.
Tector: (smiles to himself) I think you *are* afraid of the Slayer.
Lyle: (nods) Alright. I'm gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild. (points) Throw your ass out in that sunlight. C'mon.
Tector: You think you can?
Lyle: (goads him on) Giddy-up, son.
He adjusts his hat and coat while he waits for Tector to stand up. Tector adjusts his hat, too, and smile at his brother. He rears back and takes the first swing, hitting Lyle squarely in the jaw. Lyle looks at his brother, nods and punches him hard in the face. Tector has to take a couple of steps backward to keep from losing his balance.
He comes back and punches Lyle in the gut. Lyle doubles over for an instant, then straightens up and gives Tector a wide smile.
He throws another punch at his brother. Cut to Buffy's room in the morning. The camera pans across her stuffed animals to her face. The egg's tentacle is gone. Her alarm goes off, and she wakes. She reaches out to hit the snooze button. She runs her hand through her hair, sits up and moans.
Buffy: Oh... Oh, God...
She gets up out of bed. The hole in the eggshell has sealed itself. Cut to the kitchen. Joyce takes a sip of her coffee and sets the cup back down. She goes over to the toaster as Buffy comes in. Buffy sets her egg down on the island and walks around to where her mother was sitting. She takes the cup and sips the coffee as she sits down on the stool. Joyce brings the toast over to the island on a plate.
Buffy: Not that hungry.
Joyce breaks off a piece of toast and munches it. She indicates the egg.
Buffy: Fine.
Joyce: Are you sure your egg is secure in that?
Buffy: (looks up at her) Did I ask for backseat mommying?
Joyce: (gives her a look) Are we a little touchy this morning?
Buffy: No, I just feel all funky.
Joyce: Hmm. (feels her forehead) You don't have a fever.
Buffy: Oh, no, it's not that, I just... I didn't sleep well.
Joyce: (bends down to her daughter) What's the matter? Your egg keep you up all night?
Buffy: (gives her mom a look) You're killing me. Parenting's a pain!
Joyce: (straightens up and smiles smugly) Wait 'til it starts dating.
Buffy lets out an exasperated breath, picks up her egg and leaves. Cut to the library. Giles is returning some books to the shelves. He walks out from behind the stacks to see Xander, Willow and Buffy looking up at him from the bottom of the steps.
Willow: Teen health got canceled.
Xander: Mr. Whitmore's out. Couldn't find an egg sitter or something.
Buffy and Willow walk up a few steps.
Willow: No. They sit down on the steps.
Xander hops up the steps to the mezzanine level.
Giles: How did the, um... hunt go last night, Buffy?
Buffy: No go.
Giles: Uh, 'no', 'no' you didn't go, or, or, or you were unsuccessful?
Buffy: No Gorches.
Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. (looks at her) You... Angel... big... smoochies?
Buffy: Shut... up.
Giles: I-it's true, Buffy, you and Willow do seem a little sluggish. Are you quite sure everything's alright?
Buffy and Willow exchange a look.
Xander: Or perhaps it's the burden of parenthood. Notice how seriously you two have taken this egg thing. (the girls clutch their egg baskets) While I, in turn, have, uh, well, chosen a (takes his egg out of his shirt pocket) more balanced approach. (starts tossing it around)
Willow: (concerned) Xander, maybe you shouldn't...
Xander: (interrupts) That's exactly what I'm talking about. (tosses) You can't stress over every little thing! (tosses) A child picks up on that. Which is a one-way ticket (tosses) to neurotic city.
He catches and tosses the egg again, but misses the next catch. The girls gasp in fright as the egg hits the floor. Giles lets out a yelp, too, but then stares at the egg curiously. It just wobbles to a stop, unbroken.
Xander: (realizes he's been found out) Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. Pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
Willow: You boiled your young?
Xander: Yeah! I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind! I mean, you can bet that little Xander here is thick skinned now.
Xander reaches down for the egg and picks it up.
He reaches up to put a book on a high shelf. At the back of the shelf there's an egg.
Buffy: That would also be cheating.
Willow: (shakes her head) You should be ashamed.
Giles: I suppose there is a sort of... Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that! (gets a look from Giles) Or possibly thank you.
Cordelia comes walking into the library.
Xander: And what would that be, Cordelia? Beret Appreciation Day? (goes back to his shelving)
Cordelia: Mr. Whitmore didn't show today.
Buffy: That news is of the past.
Cordelia: He's missing? (the girls all look at Giles) Presumed dead?
Giles: Presumed by whom?
Cordelia: Well, me! (crosses her arms)
Giles: I think we should give him a few hours before we give up on him completely.
Cordelia: Well, I think we should look around, don't you Xander?
Xander: (looks at her and shakes his head) It can wait.
Cordelia: Well, his body could fall out of a closet somewhere.
Xander looks at the others nervously.
Xander: (points at her) You're right. There could be a closet. Let's go.
He points at Buffy and Willow as he comes down the stairs.
He takes Cordelia by the arm and guides her out of the library.
Buffy: (unenthusiastically) We'll get right on it.
Willow: (staring after them) Are they getting weirder? Have you noticed the weirdness of them? (looks at Buffy)
Buffy: They're weird. (to Giles) Should I have guilt about not looking for Mr. Whitmore?
Giles: I-I rather you conserve your strength for hunting the Gorches.
Buffy: I'll be fine by tonight. Maybe I'll sweep the cemetery?
Giles: (concerned) Well, be careful, i-i-if you're still feeling a little sluggish.
Buffy: No worries.
Willow: And Angel's helping you, right?
Buffy: He does what he can.
Cut to the cemetery that night. Buffy and Angel are engaged in a passionate kissing session once again.
Buffy: Ahh... (kisses) (breaks off) As much as I hate to say this, we should really go kill bad guys. (kiss)
Angel: It's late. You should really get home. Hmm? (kiss)
Buffy: What about the Gorches? (kiss)
Angel: I'll hunt. (kiss)
Buffy: Really? (pulls back and smiles) You'd do that?
Angel: Not like I have an early day tomorrow.
Buffy: Mm, (kiss) true. (they walk) I still have to go home and fill out my egg diary.
Angel: Your what?
Buffy: Oh, I told you, that faux parenting gig we're doing at school. (faces him) Like I'm really planning to have kids anytime soon. Uh, maybe *some*day, in the future, when I'm done having a life, but... right now kids would be just a little too much to deal with.
Angel: I wouldn't know. (looks at her) I don't... Well, you know, I, I can't.
Buffy: Oh. (looks away briefly, then back) That's okay, um... I-I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn't do. You know, like work for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires.
Angel: So you don't think about the future?
Buffy: No.
Angel: Never?
Buffy: No.
Angel: (swallows) You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?
Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, a-a... all I see is you! All I want is you.
Angel: I know the feeling.
He reaches down to kiss her. He finds her lips and she responds. They kiss more and more passionately. The camera pans away from them and across a gravestone that reads 'In Loving Memory'. Cut to the halls at school that night. The night watchman comes walking along and checks a door. Finding it properly locked he continues on. He stops at the hall intersection and looks each way. To his right he sees the door to the basement standing ajar, and goes over to it. He opens it wider, looks in and enters. Cut into the basement. The watchman comes down the steps making no attempt to be quiet. The doors to the boiler room are open, and he steps in. He tries the light switch, but it doesn't work.
He pulls out his Maglite, turns it on and continues into the room. The lights on the boiler controls are active and the fires are burning. When he's walked past the boilers he sees a huge hole in the concrete wall behind a bunch of stacked up barrels and boxes. He slowly walks over to the stack with his flashlight held over his shoulder like a bat, lighting the way but ready to swing if need be. Finding no one there he puts his Maglite down and pushes aside a stack of boxes blocking the way. He can see the hole clearly now, and a tunnel continues on beyond it. He picks up his flashlight again and holds it ready like before. He steps up to look through the hole. Behind him Mr. Whitmore appears holding a pick and slams him across the back with it, making him fall through the hole and knocking him out. Mr. Whitmore climbs through the hole after the watchman. Cut to Buffy's room. She climbs in through the window, and her egg rocking in its basket immediately grabs her attention. She stares at it a second, and then comes over to it. She bends down to look at it closely, not having expected it to hatch and curious about it. She gets closer and closer, staring at it intently. The top half of the shell cracks into thirds. Suddenly two of the pieces fly away while the third just falls back, and she sees a purplish-gray thing with tentacles is curled up inside of it. It jumps out at her, and she reacts instantly. It misses her, lands on the floor and quickly crawls under her bed. Buffy is stunned, but quickly regains her composure, and reaches down into her wicker laundry basket for her iron. She stands back up and looks at the darkness under her bedspread. Slowly she approaches her bed and kneels down. She quickly raises the spread and looks underneath with the iron held ready to smash anything that might come at her. Nothing. She stands back up and scans around her room. Whatever it was, it's nowhere to be seen. Suddenly it falls onto her shoulder from above. It tries to crawl down her back, but she grabs it and flings it off. It crawls quickly behind her desk and along the wall past her bookcase toward her bed. She looks for a different weapon, and grabs a pair of scissors from her desk. The creature, in the mean time, has disappeared again. She approaches her bed with the scissors held ready to stab. Behind her the hatchling crawls up the wall. Buffy senses it and swings around with the scissors and stabs it dead center. She pulls it off of the wall, impaled on the scissors, and slams it to the floor. She steps on its tail to hold it down while she stabs it several more times. Satisfied of its demise she drops the scissors and crawls backward to lean against her bed. Her next thought is to call Willow. She frantically grabs for her phone on the nightstand and knocks it and the clock to the floor. She grabs the receiver and nervously taps in the numbers.
Buffy: Come on! Pick up!
Willow: (after the first ring) Hello?
Buffy: Willow! Are you okay?
Willow: (cut to her) Why shouldn't I be?
Buffy: (cut to her) Your egg! I-is it doing anything?
Willow: (cut to her) (confused) Doing what?
Buffy: Break it! (cut to her) Right now! I want you to smash it with something heavy!
Willow: Buffy, what...
Buffy: My egg! It went... It went postal on me! The thing hatched, and it, it sprung this creepy-crawly thing, and it attacked me!
Willow: (cut to her) Are you okay?
Buffy: (cut to her) Yeah, no, I'm fine, but, but your egg!
Willow: (cut to her) I-is totally normal. Uh, I put it in the fridge.
Buffy: Oh.
Willow: Maybe it's a trap. Something the Gorch bothers planted for you?
Buffy: (cut to her) Maybe. Yeah, uh... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you. Uh, g-go back to sleep.
Willow: (cut to her) You sure?
Buffy: (cut to her) Yeah! Yeah, I'm, I'm better. I'm, I'm fine.
Willow: (cut to her) Okay. I'll see ya tomorrow.
Cut to Buffy. She lowers the phone and turns it off. Cut to Willow. She puts her phone back in its cradle. The two halves of the empty eggshell are covered on the inside with a grayish-blue slime. The camera pulls in for a close-up of Willow's face. She stares blankly off into space.
Buffy's room at night. She puts her phone and its cradle back on her nightstand behind her clock. It's 2:45am. Suddenly she hears her door open and her mother coming in.
Thinking quickly Buffy grabs the cloth from her former egg's basket and lays it over the dead creature. Buffy scrambles to her feet and faces her mother, eyes wide with surprise.
Buffy: Nowhere.
Joyce: Who was that on the phone? (comes in further)
Buffy: Um, uh, Willow. (exhales) She wasn't feeling well today, so I was just calling to make sure she was feeling better.
Joyce: (crosses her arms) You're gonna have to do much better than that, young lady.
Buffy: I had a bad dream?
Joyce: Oh, no, you're about to have a bad dream! (comes to stand next to her) A dream that you are grounded for the rest of your natural life.
Cut to the next morning in their Jeep pulling to a stop in front of the school.
Buffy: Yeah, but I think you're...
Joyce: (interrupts) Now, school ends at 2:30. I want you to go to the library at 2:33 and study until I pick you up there at 5:30. Understood?
Buffy: Yeah.
Joyce: Good. Have a nice day.
Buffy undoes her seatbelt, grabs her backpack and gets out of the car. She closes the door behind her and pulls on the backpack while she watches her mother drive off. She climbs the stairs up from the street and goes over to Cordelia who just finished talking with a friend. She has a teddy bear backpack.
Buffy: Nice bear. Listen is your...
Cordelia: (interrupts) Hey, I'll have you know that my father brought this bear back from Gstadt years ago. Then all of a sudden these trendoids everywhere started sporting them. So I'm totally not wearing it. Then I thought, hey, I'm the one who started this nationwide craze! What am I ashamed of?
Buffy: Okay, soliloquy girl, I just wanted to ask about your egg.
Cordelia: My egg?
Buffy: Yeah. Your egg. The one Mr. Whitmore gave you.
Cordelia: It's in my bear.
Buffy: So, your egg isn't acting odd or anything?
Cordelia: It isn't acting anything. It's an egg, Buffy, it doesn't emote. (sees another friend) Chanise! (goes away) Is that your real hair?
Buffy watches her go. Willow puts her hand on Buffy's shoulder, and she turns to face her.
Buffy: Hi!
Cut to Xander munching on a candy bar. He looks down at it as he chews hard.
He sits on a wall and discards the rest of the candy bar. He opens his satchel and digs through it for his egg. He pulls it out, looks at it and lets out a breath.
He taps the egg a few times on the wall next to him and then rolls it back and forth under his hand. Cut to Buffy and Willow walking across the grass toward Xander. Behind them Cordelia catches up as she looks through a book.
Buffy: No. Uh, you were probably right. It was just a trap from them set for me. And, (sees Cordelia) mm, (indicates her) everyone else's egg seemed perfectly normal.
Xander: Did you bring the thing that attacked you.
Buffy: Yeah. Giles wants to see it. He's in full research mode.
Willow: Okay. Well, bring it to the science lab, and I'll get Giles, and we'll analyze it.
The camera pans around them and focuses on Willow's lower back.
Buffy: Great. You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy... is like a day without sunshine.
The camera shows a hatchling attached to Willow's back under her shirt. Cut to Xander. He smiles and nods at the girls when he sees them coming.
He holds up the egg, ready to take a bite.
There's a purplish-gray creature still inside, dead from being boiled. Xander looks at it just as he's about to bite into it and freaks out. He screams as he tosses the egg away from him. Cut to the science lab. The hatchling is laid out in a dissection tray. Xander taps his fingers on the table as he and Buffy look at it.
Buffy: I see your 'Gyughhh!' and raise you a Nyaghhh!
Cordelia: What is it?
Xander: We don't know what it is, Cordelia, that's why we're here. Kapeesh?
Cordelia: 'Kapeesh'? What are you, world traveler now?
Willow comes into the lab.
Buffy: Hey, where's Giles? I know he won't wanna miss this.
Willow: He said to get started. He'll be by as soon as possible.
Xander: So, okay! Get started, Buffy! Dissect it or something. (hands her a scalpel)
Buffy: (takes the blade) Me? Why do *I* have to dissect it?
Xander: Uh, because you're the Slayer?
Buffy: And I slayed! My work here is done. (puts the scalpel on the table in front of Xander)
Xander: Oh, no, I almost *ate* one of those things. I think I've fulfilled my gross-out quota for the decade.
Willow: Guys...
She takes the scalpel and starts the dissection. The camera pans around Cordelia to her bear.
The bear's right eye pops out and a tentacle emerges.
Buffy: Turn it over. Maybe we missed its ID bracelet.
The bear's left eye pops out and another tentacle emerges.
Cut to them talking.
Buffy: Try best case scenario.
Willow: It's possible that Mr. Whitmore wasn't harmed. Maybe the offspring simply used him to return to the mother bezoar.
Cordelia leans over to pick something up.
Cordelia straightens back up holding a metal bar, which she wields like a baseball bat.
Buffy: What's a bez...
Cordelia hits Buffy in the face with the bar, knocking her down and out.
Willow picks up a microscope and hits Xander over the head with it just as he looks back at her again. The screen goes black. Cut to the utility closet. It's pitch dark inside. Willow opens the door, and she and Cordelia drag Xander in. They heave him in, and he falls to the floor. They step out to let two boys drag Buffy in as well, and they let her drop unceremoniously. They leave the closet, and Willow closes and locks the door. Cut to the groundkeeper's shed. Willow opens the double doors and walks in. Cordelia follows her, and a line of students is right behind. Willow walks up to a post where a couple of dozen picks, axes, hoes and shovels are kept. She grabs a pickaxe and heads back out of the door. Cordelia grabs a hoe and follows. Student after student, and even an occasional teacher, grabs a digging tool and follows Willow. Cut to the hall outside the basement door. Willow walks up to the open door and heads right in. The line of students is right behind her. Cut inside the basement. They come down the stairs and head into the boiler room. One by one they step though the hole in the wall and follow the tunnel down. Mr. Whitmore is standing by the hole keeping guard. Cut outside the school. It's gotten dark. Cut to the library. Joyce walks in and looks around.
She continues in and keeps looking.
Giles: (pokes his head out of the cage) Hello?
Joyce: (faces him) Oh! Mr. Giles, hi. Uh, I-I was looking for Buffy. She, she was supposed to wait for me here.
Giles: Well, sh-she hasn't been in. I-I've been waiting to talk to her myself about, uh, uh... h-history texts.
Joyce: (leans on the card catalog) That is just the last straw!
Giles: I-I'm sure she didn't mean to, uh...
Joyce: She never means to, but somehow she always manages to anyway. Do you have children, Mr. Giles?
Giles: Um...
Joyce: (whispers) Sh-should I be whispering?
Giles: (whispers) No. (speaks) A-a-and, uh, no, I, I haven't any children. A-although, uh, sometimes I feel as though I do, uh, working here...
Joyce: They can be such a... (considers her words) Oh, uh, I-I-I don't want to say 'burden', but, uh... Uh, actually I kind of *do* want to say 'burden'! (smiles)
Giles: (smiles) Feel free!
Joyce: Oh, they're just so irresponsible.
Giles: Sometimes.
Joyce: (notices the books lying on the catalog) 'Bristol's Demon Index', 'Hell's Offspring'?
Giles: (takes the books) A hobby of mine, uh, but, uh, having nothing to do with Buffy in any way.
He takes the books into the cage, stows them on a shelf and then comes back out.
Joyce: Well, yes. I-i-is something wrong?
Giles: Oh, I'm sure it's nothing. (pulls open a drawer) (hears a noise in the hall) What was that?
Joyce: Mm, probably the janitor.
She faces the door to look. Giles takes a hatchling out of the card catalog drawer and sets it on Joyce's back. She screams as she tries to reach around her back and falls to the floor. Giles stares blankly off into space.
The hall outside the library. Giles and Joyce come walking out into the hall staring blankly ahead and join the line of students and teachers heading for the basement. Cut to the utility closet. Buffy has regained consciousness and reaches up for the light string and gives it a yank. She takes a quick look around and then looks down at Xander, still out cold on the floor.
Buffy: Hey! Xander! (slaps his cheek) Hey! You alright?
Xander: (wakes, moans and blinks his eyes) Last time Cordy dragged me in here it was a lot nicer.
Buffy: What?
Xander: Uh... (fully awake now) Huh? Nothing. Uh, crazy talk. Head trauma.
Buffy: (helps him sit up) Tell me about it. I'm gonna have a (feels her head) big bump.
Xander: Uh, I'm gonna have a peninsula! (points at his head) Here, (she helps him up) what, what the hell's goin' on? Cordy and Willow?
They look around the room.
Buffy: Something to do with the hatchlings, I'm sure of it.
She tries the door but finds it locked.
Buffy: I don't know. But they sure wanted us out of the way.
Xander: (holding his head) Well, why not kill us? (lets go of his head) Why, uh, why drag us in here?
Buffy spots two eggs on the floor. Xander follows her gaze. One of them is rocking.
Buffy looks around for something heavy and sees a toolbox. She picks it up from the shelf, raises it and smashes it onto the two eggs. A dark blue slime squirts out around the toolbox. Then she kicks open the door.
Cut to the library. Buffy and Xander come rushing in.
Buffy: Giles!
Xander: Giles!
They look around, but find the place deserted.
Buffy: Well, he picked a helluva time to get a life.
Xander: What are we gonna do?
Buffy: We can't fight these things until we know something about 'em.
Xander: (thinks) Alright, Willow said something. Uh, a name. What was is?
Buffy: A bozo! Not a bozo.
Xander: A bezoar.
Buffy: That's it! Okay, so now... we look it up?
Xander: In what?
Buffy: A book?
They look over at the counter where there are several books lying open and go over to them.
Buffy: Giles said he was gonna try to find something...
She takes the book on top that's open to a picture and turns it around to look at it. The sketch is of a disk-shaped, tentacled monster.
Buffy: And I'd say he found something.
Xander moves around her to have a look himself, steps on half an eggshell and looks down at it.
Cut to the basement. Giles and Joyce lead a line of students to the hole and step through. They head down the tunnel and come out into another room deeper underground. Giles heads to the side ramp that leads to a slightly lower level and takes a crowbar handed to him by Mr. Whitmore, who has a box of new bezoar eggs in his other arm. The camera pans across the room, past Cordelia wiping off eggs being handed to her from below by another student, to Willow pounding on the concrete floor with a sledgehammer. Joyce went down the other side and takes a hoe held out to her by the watchman. She starts banging it on the floor as the watchman goes back to his post. Cut to a close-up of the floor. A large chunk has broken off and appears to be floating on something. Willow and Joyce keep pounding on it to break it up into smaller pieces. Cut to a student pulling an egg out from between some larger gaps in the floor. He hands it up to Cordelia, who wipes it off in a towel and hands it to Mr. Whitmore, who places it in a wooden box filled with wood shavings and more eggs. Cut to the floor again. The camera pans over to a large hole in the floor where the concrete has already been removed and shows the pink- fleshed mother bezoar's body as it moves and throbs. Cut to the library. Buffy reads from the book out loud.
Buffy: 'Pre-pre-historic parasite. The mother hibernates underground, laying eggs. The offspring then attach themselves to a host, taking control of their motor functions through neural clamping.'
Xander: 'Neural clamping.' That sounds skippable.
Buffy: So, our people are taking orders from the mama bezoar. Which begs the question...
Xander: What does mama want?
They hear a student screaming out in the hall.
They run out to investigate. Cut to the hall. Jonathan is struggling with a hatchling on his back and falls to the floor, screaming.
Buffy and Xander come running out the door and see Jonathan get back up.
Buffy: Are you okay?
Jonathan: (deadpan) I'm fine. I slipped.
He turns and heads down the hall. Buffy and Xander exchange a look.
Buffy: I think I hear mommy calling.
Xander: Uh, huh.
They follow Jonathan down the hall. Cut to the boiler room. Jonathan comes walking in and heads straight for the hole. Buffy and Xander peek in, and seeing no one else is there follow him in. Around the corner from the boilers they see Jonathan climb through the hole and head down the tunnel.
Buffy: We really don't.
They exchange another look and make for the hole. Buffy climbs in and looks back at Xander before continuing down the tunnel.
He starts through as well, but doesn't lift his foot high enough and trips through the hole and falls into the tunnel. Cut to the room below. The digging and egg gathering activity continues. Jonathan comes walking in. Behind him Buffy and Xander peek into the room.
The camera pans over to a student and shows the pink mother bezoar in the pit.
Buffy: Oh, boy.
She sees Cordelia handing Mr. Whitmore an egg.
Buffy: We can't let them spread those eggs.
Xander: I'll handle it. Um, can you, uh, hold down the fort?
Buffy: I'm gonna need a weapon. I'm gonna need a *big* weapon.
Xander: Yeah.
Buffy heads back up the tunnel to see what she can find in the way of a weapon. Xander starts walking into the room staring blankly ahead. Giles hands him a chunk of concrete to carry away. He takes it and drops it to the side. Cordelia and another student start into a utility tunnel with a box of eggs. Xander follows them. Cut to the boiler room. Buffy steps through the hole back into the room and looks around for anything that might be of use. She spots a barrel with several scrap pieces of pipe and grabs the largest one. The Gorch brothers come over and stand behind her. She turns to face them.
Tector: She's so cute. And little. Think we can keep her?
Buffy: Guys, this really isn't a great time.
Lyle: Oh, it's gonna be. (smiles)
Buffy jams the pipe into both their faces and again into Lyle's gut. Tector punches her, and she stumbles toward the hole a bit, but turns around and kicks him in the chest, sending him back into some metal shelves.
He charges Buffy and grabs her. They go flying through the hole and into the tunnel. Cut to the room below. They come tumbling out of the tunnel and onto the floor. They both quickly get up and face off, but Lyle is distracted by all the activity.
Buffy sees her mother with a pick going back to continue digging next to Willow.
Buffy: Mom?
Joyce and Willow look up at her.
Several students start to advance on Buffy and Lyle. She does a roundhouse kick and gets two of them. Lyle ducks a swing with a shovel from another and hits him in the back, knocking him to the floor. Buffy follows up her kick with two more, and then sidesteps Giles as he swings his crowbar at her. He stumbles past her and into the wall behind her. Lyle backhand punches another one and picks the one up from the floor and throws him back. Buffy pushed a boy with a pick away from her and follows up with a kick to his head, making him flip over backward. Giles comes at her again from behind, and she grabs him and shoves him into the next attacker. Lyle punches a girl, and she spins away. Buffy kicks another one in the gut. Lyle picks another one up off of the floor and tosses him aside.
He punches another student and Buffy kicks still another.
Buffy: Long story.
Lyle hits a boy over the head with a chunk of concrete. The students have all been knocked back, so Lyle turns his attention back on Buffy. He smiles at her and takes a swing. She ducks it and punches him in the gut and face. He swings again and she ducks again. His momentum turns him around, and she kicks him in the back. The students start coming again, and Buffy and Lyle each punch one. Cut to the utility tunnel. Cordelia and the other student turn a corner and walk down a side tunnel. Xander follows them at a short distance behind. The far end of the tunnel appears to exit onto a body of water. Xander comes up behind the student and shoves him into the wall, knocking him out. Cordelia turns and sees, sets the box down and takes a swing at Xander. He ducks away and gets around her, blocking her way to the water and holding his hands out in front of him.
When she doesn't make another move against him he bends down to pick up the box. Cordelia punches down at his head. Xander stands back up and yells out in pain and frustration, trying to restrain himself.
He can't hold back any longer and punches her. She spins around and falls unconscious to the floor. He raises his hands in disbelief and regret. Cut to the underground room. Buffy and Lyle continue to fight the students coming at them. Lyle gets hit and staggers into the wall. Buffy kicks one. Tector finally shows up at the tunnel mouth and rubs his hands together.
He spits into both hands to get ready to fight, but notices the mother bezoar and lets it distract him. He walks over to the edge of the pit and looks in.
He bends over the pit for a better look. The mother bezoar opens its eye and looks up at him.
Mama sends up a tentacle and wraps it around his neck. He begins to choke as he struggles not to get pulled in. He loses out and falls into the pit. Buffy and Lyle watch it happen.
Tector's boots disappear into the pit.
Lyle: This is all *your* fault!
Buffy: How?
Lyle takes her by the shoulder and flips her over onto her back. Joyce comes up to her and swings her pick down at her. Buffy rolls out of the way, but her feet end up over the bezoar's pit. Mama wraps a tentacle around her ankles and pulls her in. Buffy grabs Joyce's pick and drags it in with her. Lyle watches in amazement. Buffy and the mother bezoar begin to fight, and the digging activity in the room comes to a stop. The students and teachers gather around the pit and watch. Slashing sounds and bezoar screams emanate from the pit. Lyle steps closer for a better look. The bezoar lets out a dying scream and its eye closes. The hatchlings all fall from their hosts, and the students and adults all collapse to the floor unconscious. Lyle is suddenly the only person awake in the room. He slowly gets closer to the pit, looking around at all the prone bodies. He guardedly steps to the edge and looks in. A pick comes flying out and lands on the floor next to him. He quickly takes several steps back. A hand covered with slime comes out of the pit. Another hand follows, and Buffy pulls herself up and out. She is streaked with slime. She stands up and faces Lyle. He can't believe his eyes.
He turns and hightails it out of there. Buffy just watches him go. Cut outside the school building. Several students come walking out, dirty and dazed. Giles tries to calm several others with an explanation, but is himself confused as he makes his way over to Xander, Willow and Cordelia. Fire trucks and police can be heard arriving.
Xander: Stick with the gas thing. I'll fill you in tomorrow.
Giles: Right. (walks off)
Xander: (faces Willow and Cordelia) How you guys doin'?
Willow: Did I really hit you?
Xander: (nods) You knocked me out.
Cordelia: Did *I* hit you?
Xander: (nods hard) Yes, everyone hit me.
Cordelia: Good. Well, I don't mean 'good' because I hit you, but I didn't wanna be left out.
Xander sees Buffy approaching and goes over to her. She's washed up and changed.
Buffy: How is she?
Xander: She's a bit confused, but it's goin' around.
He nods in the direction of her mother, and she starts toward her. Joyce comes walking the other way looking around for Buffy. They meet halfway and clasp hands.
Buffy: Are you okay?
Joyce: Buffy, I was worried you'd gotten caught in the building. There, there was a gas leak. (they walk)
Buffy: Uh, yeah, I-I just heard. I was in the gym.
Joyce: I went looking for you in the library.
Buffy: Oh, well, I was on my way there, when I...
Joyce: (interrupts) I thought I made it pretty clear that you weren't to leave the library 'til I came.
Buffy: The other side of that is there was a gas leak, and...
Joyce: (interrupts) Well, I'm not really interested in the other side right now. Young lady, you have to learn some responsibility, okay? Once and for all.
Buffy: I'm grounded?
Joyce: You're already grounded.
Buffy: Oh, yeah.
Joyce: (stops walking) Until further notice you are confined to your room. You will not leave your room at any time except to go to school or the bathroom. Am I making myself clear?
Buffy: You're clear. I won't leave my room.
Joyce: You're damn right, you won't.
She stalks off angrily. Buffy follows her a moment later. Cut to Buffy and Angel kissing. Angel breaks off.
Buffy: Hey, I earned this. (kiss) Besides, I'm not breaking any rules.
The camera pulls back slowly and shows Buffy is inside her room at her window with Angel standing outside on the roof.
Buffy: In a minute!
She turns back to Angel and smiles at him. They start kissing again as the camera continues to pull back.
{Ted} {Surprise} {The Series 2 Index} {The Index}